The Janeless Show: May 2011

Posted on Fri, May. 20, 2011

Red Cross: No plans for dead walking the earth

By Melissa Dribben
INQUIRER STAFF WRITER

As you probably know by now, May 21 promises to be a hell of a day.

Perhaps you've read the newspaper reports or seen the billboards along I-95, or clicked on the CDC posting "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse," or tuned into Camden's 106.9FM WKDN, one of Family Radio's 150 stations that have been broadcasting warnings for months that the End of Days will occur ... Saturday.

Based on revised, painstaking readings of the Bible and algorithms derived from God's own words, Harold Camping, 89-year-old Christian evangelist from Oakland, Calif., has determined that Armageddon will begin in Philadelphia at 6 p.m. EST.

The Rapture, Camping says, will manifest itself as a cataclysmic earthquake that will open all graves and create mass hysteria. True believers will ascend to heaven while everyone else will suffer five months of unfathomable misery until God destroys the world, on Oct. 21.

New Zealand will be struck first, Camping predicts. The 6.3 quake that destroyed much of Christchurch in February was but a clearing of the throat, he says, compared to the wrath of the Almighty about to hit with full force.

In anticipation of property destruction, fires, flooding, disruption of essential services such as water, electricity, cellphones and the depletion of blood supplies, the American Red Cross Southeastern Pennsylvania Chapter remains sanguine.

"Hmmm," Dave Schrader, the agency's spokesman, said fewer than 36 hours before the moment of truth.

As always, he said, the Red Cross is prepared for all disasters, "earthquakes, terrorist attacks, nuclear meltdowns." No formal contingency, though, for the end of the world.

Acknowledging that tomb openings disgorging putrefied corpses could pose a health hazard, he said Red Cross capabilities were limited. "I can't comment on the dead walking the earth. I don't think we have plans for that either."

At the Streets Department, spokeswoman June Cantor said she would look into whether additional trucks had been put on alert to deal with the rubble. "Anything else?" she asked.

Minutes later, she called back to say that all Rapturous inquiries were being referred to the Mayor's office. Before transferring the call, however, she voiced her concerns. "I've seen the billboards but thought it was an ad for a book coming out on the 21st." Confused, perhaps, by ads for Murder at the Mikvah.

As the reality dawned on her, Cantor fretted, "My granddaughter's first birthday party is Sunday. I hope nothing happens to disrupt that. My daughter's been planning it for a long time."

At City Hall, spokesman Mark McDonald said Mayor Nutter has a full day planned for Saturday, both leading up to and after H-hour.

"He'll be at an Asian heritage festival between 2 and 3 p.m., then he has a private meeting shortly before 6." That meeting "is not religiously related."

As chosen souls begin to soar, air traffic controllers will face unprecedented challenges. "I have heard the predictions," said Victoria Lupica, spokesperson for Philadelphia International Airport. "But we're planning on running normal operations." The airport's decision is prudent, she said, since the prospect of doomsday remains hypothetical. "The way we operate normally under FAA guidance is that if a situation would arise, we'll respond accordingly."

Numerous postings on Twitter, Facebook and various websites are advising those who expect to be saved to position themselves with a clear shot to open sky, to avoid any hazardous obstruction. A final family drive in a convertible with the top down, huddling prayerfully in homes with thatched roofs or open skylights, or gathering for last suppers at sidewalk cafés are among the preferred spots to await take-off.

The left behind might as well live it up. Among the doomed, no doubt, will be Yankees fans, Maxim subscribers, rapacious personal injury lawyers, doctors who don't accept Medicare, slipshod contractors, people who park in the spaces their neighbors dig out on snowy days. No word on souls recently buried at sea.

Philadelphia's powerful are maintaining composure, as if there is no "no tomorrow." Liam O'Keefe of the city's Office of Emergency Management welcomed the opportunity for citizens to prepare for the worst.

The office, he said, "doesn't reasonably anticipate any catastrophic impact on the city." Nevertheless, "people need to prepare for the legitimate hazards and threats that we face everyday ... including severe weather, terrorism, industrial accidents, infrastructure failures and regular household fires."

He urged people to visit www.phila.gov/ready, which explains how to build a family emergency plan.

At Laurel Hill Cemetery, president and CEO Pete Hoskins said he has no plans to deal with a mass exodus of souls. "If people walk out of the graves - that's kind of an ethereal matter. I don't know if we can do much about it. It's beyond our powers."

Some of the cemetery's inhabitants would make for good, if temporary, company. "But there are a few bad apples that would make me nervous." That said, he declined to name them. "It's wrong to speak ill of the dead."

His greatest concern is for the world's animals, including those at the zoo, which Hoskins ran for many years.

"Last time," he noted, "they got a free ark ride."

Most signs point to heaven for all dogs and other innocent, non-humans. Still, many pet owners are not taking chances.

Humane organizations like After the Rapture Pet Care and Eternal Earth-Bound Pets are offering help. For fees ranging from $10 to $135, they will arrange foster care for pets left behind.

EEBP promises to send a bona fide non-Christian who has sinned but is kind to animals to retrieve pets within 24 hours after the owner's ascent and care for them lovingly for up to 10 years.

Or the end of the world. Whichever comes first.

National preparations remain secret. Asked what was being done to cope with the hoary aftermath, a Department of Homeland Security spokesman said, "Off the record, are you kidding me?"

In New Jersey Friday, state senate Democrats announced the bills under review next week. The news release ended on a cautionary note: "Of course, should the Rapture occur on Saturday, the session would be canceled."

Meanwhile, the state's police have organized a youth gathering in a heretofore peaceful shore town.

"I can't think of a better way of closing out existence on earth than the 2011 Camporee," said Sgt. Stephen Jones. "We will be giving out merit badges, there will be demonstrations from the SWAT team and the National Guard, so the kids will be having fun when things come to a close."

In contrast, Philadelphia police are playing it totally cool.

A spokesman said simply, "Call us on Monday."

Contact staff writer Melissa Dribben at 215-854-2590, mdribben@phillynews.com, or @dribbenonphilly on Twitter.

Posted on Fri, May. 20, 2011

Zombie apocalypse, rogue planets join doomsday buzz

By Peter Mucha
Inquirer Staff Writer

Now zombies and rogue planets are making apocalypse news.

A radio preacher's claim that Saturday is Judgment Day seems to have spurred further speculation about cataclysmic sucker punches.

The good news, though, is another theory: Hostile aliens didn't land at Roswell, N.M,, little disfigured Soviets did as part of a terror plot by Stalin.

It's enough to make a grave-spinning Franklin Roosevelt revise his famous dictum to: The only thing we have to fear is media coverage of fear.

Here's a rundown of horrors on the loose.

Rapture not for everybody. Almost everybody knows by now that California evangelist Harold Camping, 89, says he can "absolutely guarantee" that on May 21, a grave-opening earthquake will let 200 million blessed souls get "caught up" or "raptured" into Heaven, while remaining billions "will exist in a world of horror and chaos" until Oct. 21, "when God will completely destroy this earth," according to his website, www.familyradio.com.

The arithmetic is clear, he says. Basically, according to the Bible, "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years" so the "seven days" referred to in the great flood wipeout story really means 7,000 years. If the flood was in 4990 B.C., 7 millennia later is 2011 (accounting for the lack of a year 0). The flood started on "the second month, the seventeenth day of the month," and "amazingly, May 21, 2011, is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day."

Wait! It's eight days after Friday the 13th, and 13 plus 8 is 21! And 13 minus 8 is 5, and May is the 5th month! OMG!

Zombie Apocalypse. On Monday, the Centers for Disease Control did something that went viral. On a blog, they posted: "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." "You may laugh now, but when it happens you'll be happy you read this," it advised. It addressed such questions as "Where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much?" Citing popular lit and movies, the piece reviews medical causes of so-called Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome, from radiation to mad cow disease to prions.

In actuality, the CDC simply found a fun way to publicize how to make a family emergency-preparedness kit, good in case of natural disasters - not just ghoul invasions.

Zombie-neutralizing techniques, such as baseball bats to the head, were not included.

"When we were tweeting about Japan and radiation releases, someone tweeted back asking us if it could set off a zombie attack," and the idea took off from there, CDS spokesman David Daigle told the New York Times.

Whether Saturday's rejected quake-awakened dead will be zombies was not addressed. (See: http://bit.ly/ikth7k.)

Rogue planet deathblow. Scientists reported in the journal Nature this week that for every star, there could be two free-agent Jupiters roaming the Milky Way. "Are we in danger from these puppies?" wondered astronomer Phil Plait, writing in his Bad Astronomy blog for Discover Magazine. His calculations suggest, if rogues are as common as stars, there's one for about every 100 cubic light-years - or one closer to Earth than Alpha Centauri, the closest star besides the sun. "That's pretty cool," he writes. That's such "a vast, mind-numbing volume of space," there's no reason to fear earthquake-inducing gravitational effects from a rogue floating out there. Jupiter's a relative neighbor but its gravity is no problem here. Or, could a rogue unleash a torrent of deadly comets from the Oort Cloud out past Pluto? The odds, again, are "incredibly small," he figures. Of course, a head-on crash would obliterate the Earth, but Plait isn't losing sleep. The world, after all, has avoided being a cosmic billiard ball for billions of years.

"The odds of a rogue planet heading our way are so small it would be like simultaneously holding a winning lottery ticket in your hand while getting hit by lightning and eaten by a shark," he emailed.

(See: http://bit.ly/liqO0H.)

Roswell spells relief? In the summer of 1947, something fell out of the sky in Roswell, N.M., and legend likes the theory of an alien spacecraft carted off by the feds to top-secret Area 51, although a weather balloon is a lot more likely, scientists say. And a lot less scary. Now comes another blame-us-humans theory: The Soviet Union sent a craft flown by surgically-altered tiny teenagers in hopes of fomenting mass panic, a la Orson Welles' War of the Worlds radio broadcast, according to Annie Jacobson's new book, Area 51: An Uncensored History of America's Top Secret Military Base. "The Horton Brothers created this flying disc originally for the Third Reich, and then Stalin stepped in and took away a lot of their scientists," Jacobson told Comedy Central's Jon Stewart.

"It really did land in New Mexico, according to my source, who received the equipment at Area 51," she said.

No aliens, she said - not even from rogue planets.

End of the world? How about a party instead?

TOM BREEN
The Associated Press
For some, it's Judgment Day. For others, it's party time.

A loosely organized Christian movement has spread the word around the globe that Jesus Christ will return to earth on Saturday to gather the faithful into heaven. While the Christian mainstream isn't buying it, many other skeptics are milking it.

A Facebook page titled "Post rapture looting" offers this invitation: "When everyone is gone and god's not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we're going to squat in." By Wednesday afternoon, more than 175,000 people indicated they would be "attending" the "public event."

The prediction is also being mocked in the comic strip "Doonesbury" and has inspired "Rapture parties" to celebrate what hosts expect will be the failure of the world to come to an end.

In the Army town of Fayetteville, N.C., the local chapter of the American Humanist Association has turned the event into a two-day extravaganza, with a Saturday night party followed by a day-after concert.

"It's not meant to be insulting, but come on," said organizer Geri Weaver. "Christians are openly scoffing at this."

The prediction originates with Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, Calif., who founded Family Radio Worldwide, an independent ministry that has broadcast his prediction around the world.

The Rapture , the belief that Christ will bring the faithful into paradise prior to a period of tribulation on earth that precedes the end of time , is a relatively new notion compared to Christianity itself, and most Christians don't believe in it. And even believers rarely attempt to set a date for the event.

Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math.

He has been derided for an earlier apocalyptic prediction in 1994, but his followers say that merely referred to the end of "the church age," a time when human beings in Christian churches could be saved. Now, they say, only those outside what they regard as irredeemably corrupt churches can expect to ascend to heaven.

Camping is not hedging this time: "Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgment," he said in January.

Such predictions are nothing new, but Camping's latest has been publicized with exceptional vigor , not just by Family Radio but through like-minded groups. They've spread the word using radio, satellite TV, daily website updates, billboards, subway ads, RV caravans hitting dozens of cities and missionaries scattered from Latin America to Asia.

"These kinds of prophecies are constantly going on at a low level, and every once in a while one of them gets traction," said Richard Landes, a Boston University history professor who has studied such beliefs for more than 20 years.

The prediction has been publicized in almost every country, said Chris McCann, who works with eBible Fellowship, one of the groups spreading the message. "The only countries I don't feel too good about are the `stans' , you know, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, those countries in Central Asia," he said.

Marie Exley, who left her home in Colorado last year to join Family Radio's effort to publicize the message, just returned from a lengthy overseas trip that included stops in the Middle East. She said billboards have gone up in Israel, Jordan, Lebanon and Iraq.

"I decided to spend the last few days with my immediate family and fellow believers," Exley said. "Things started getting more risky in the Middle East when Judgment Day started making the news."

McCann plans to spend Saturday with his family, reading the Bible and praying. His fellowship met for the last time on Monday.

"We had a final lunch and everyone said goodbye," he said. "We don't actually know who's saved and who isn't, but we won't gather as a fellowship again."

In Vietnam, the prophecy has led to unrest involving thousands of members of the Hmong ethnic minority who gathered near the border with Laos earlier this month to await the May 21 event. The government, which has a long history of mistrust with ethnic hilltribe groups like the Hmong, arrested an unidentified number of "extremists" and dispersed a crowd of about 5,000.

No such signs of turmoil are apparent in the U.S., though many mainstream Christians aren't happy with the attention the prediction is getting. They reject the notion that a date for the end times can be calculated, if not the doctrine of the Rapture itself.

"When we engage in this kind of wild speculation, it's irresponsible," said the Rev. Daniel Akin, president of the Southeastern Baptist Seminary in Wake Forest, N.C. "It can do damage to naive believers who can be easily caught up and it runs the risk of causing the church to receive sort of a black eye."

Pastors around the country are planning Sunday sermons intended to illustrate the folly of trying to discern a date for the end of the world, but Akin couldn't wait: He preached on the topic last Sunday.

"I believe Christ could come today. I believe he could choose not to come for 1,000 years," he said. "That's in his hands, not mine."

No one will know for sure whether Camping's prediction is correct until Sunday morning dawns, or fails to dawn. In the meantime, there will be jokes, parties, sermons and , in at least one case, a chance to make a little money.

Bart Centre, an atheist from New Hampshire, started Eternal Earth-bound Pets in 2009. He offers Rapture believers an insurance plan for those furry family members that won't join them in heaven: 10-year pet care contracts, with Centre and his network of fellow non-believers taking responsibility for the animals after the Rapture. The fee , payable in advance, of course , was originally $110, but has gone to $135 since Camping's prediction.

Centre says he has 258 clients under contract, and that business has picked up considerably this year. But he's not worried about a sales slump if May 21 happens to disappoint believers.

"They never lose their faith. They're never disappointed," he said. "It reinforces their faith, strangely enough."

Read more: http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/nation_world/20110518_ap_endoftheworldhowaboutapartyinstead.html#ixzz1MwRTmoTe
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Atheist's dog-sitting is a rapturous business

By WILLIAM BENDER
Philadelphia Daily News
benderw@phillynews.com 215-854-5255

THE SECOND coming of Jesus Christ - if and when it happens - raises all types of questions for believers who expect to "meet the Lord in the air" during the Rapture, as the Bible states.

Such as: Who's going to feed the dog?

Bart Centre has you covered. For only $135.

Centre, a retired retail executive for a major national chain, has found a way to profit from what he sees as the misguided beliefs of God-fearing Bible thumpers.

"I'm not looking to make a statement here," said Centre, 62, an atheist author and founder of Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. "I'm looking to make money."

The fledgling company, which has received a "shot in the arm" from the May 21 Judgment Day hysteria, sells 10-year contracts to protect pets from "a slow death by starvation in the event that you get raptured," according to Centre.

"A lot of people send us hate mail, saying we're godless heathens and we may want to eat their pets - or have sex with their pets," Centre said from his home in Alstead, N.H.

Not so, he assures them. In fact, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets employs dozens of well-intentioned rescuers - all have passed criminal-background checks - who have agreed to retrieve the pets within 24 hours of the Rapture and "keep them as their own family members," Centre said.

He's not joking. Pay in advance and you're covered. No refunds.

"We have the infrastructure to make it happen," said Centre, author of The Atheist Camel Chronicles. "We plot out the clients per rescuer so they can make the complete circuit of pickups within a 24-hour period."

The company - launched two years ago in response to the belief that the Mayan calendar marks Judgment Day as Dec. 21, 2012 - has 258 clients in 26 states so far. Christian radio evangelist Harold Camping's prediction that the end will come this weekend has been good for business.

"Can't hurt," Centre said.

Potential clients often ask how they can be sure that Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will follow through should the Rapture occur within the 10-year contract period. Centre offers his word, but he understands the concern.

"We suggest they appoint a Jew or Hindu or Muslim or pagan friend of theirs and give them post-Rapture power of attorney," Centre said.

Another frequent question: What if his pet rescuers get called up to Heaven during the Rapture?

Not possible, Centre says. They're all atheists. And, as an added precaution, they each have committed blasphemy "to one degree or another" in accordance with Mark 3:29, which describes blasphemy as an unforgivable sin.

"They ain't gonna go nowhere," he said.

END DAZE: Harold Camping says Doomsday's on Saturday. Around 6. Guaranteed.

By WILLIAM BENDER
Philadelphia Daily News
benderw@phillynews.com 215-854-5255

HE'S THE Joe Namath of Doomsday hucksters, but the stakes are much higher than Super Bowl III.

Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Christian evangelist from Oakland whose Family Radio broadcasts are heard in 61 languages, doesn't think that Judgment Day will come Saturday. He guarantees it.

"It is absolutely going to happen," said Camping, who has determined after five decades of studying Scripture that May 21 marks the beginning of the end. "We do not have a Plan B at all. There is no possibility that it will not happen, because all of our information comes from the Bible."

So if you haven't made amends with God, cancel your weekend plans, Camping says.

Forget about Phillies vs. Rangers at Citizens Bank Park on Saturday. Disregard the five-day forecast. And it doesn't matter whom you vote for in today's primary. The candidates aren't going to make it to the general election in November.

No one will.

The earthquake that rocked Japan in March will be a mere seismic blip compared with the cataclysmic earthquake that will rumble across the planet on Saturday, reaching Philadelphia about 6 p.m., according to Camping and his legion of followers from here to China.

Millions will die on the first day and an earthquake "such as was not since men were upon the Earth" will "throw open all graves" as the remains of the believers are "instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God," Camping has written in his brochures.

And you unrepentant sinners? Prepare to live in a world of "horror and chaos beyond description" that will last until Oct. 21, when everyone and everything will be wiped out completely.

"Until the Day of Judgment begins, God teaches us that he's still saving people," Camping said in an interview this week. "Cry out to God, 'Oh, Lord, have mercy! Maybe you could still save me.' Keep begging him."

We know what you're thinking: Camping is a certified nut job. Preachers have been ranting about fire and brimstone for nearly two millennia. Anyone can stand on a street corner and predict that the end is nigh.

But this is different. Billboards have been erected around the globe. SEPTA buses are wrapped in Camping's prophecy. Soccer moms have turned their minivans into rolling advertisements. There are bumper stickers. T-shirts. Lawn signs.

"It's the greatest ad campaign in the world," said Robin Harp, 66, a former factory worker who drives a van covered with the Family Radio message. "God's coming to bring judgment, and this earthquake will be like no other earthquake. You want to warn those you love."

People believe Camping's biblical calculations. A lot of people. Normal people. Educated people.

Like Ralph Workman, 50, of Landenberg, Chester County, an engineer at Boeing's Delaware County helicopter plant and a Family Radio caravan manager. He organizes a crew that spreads Camping's message in the hope of saving souls.

"People think we're a bunch of crazy coots, but we have a lot of educated people," said Workman, an even-keeled guy who's quick with a smile and patient with skeptics.

Workman runs down a list of sane believers, including a former commercial airline pilot, a medical doctor, a college professor and a mathematician.

"I'd be doing this full time if not for my wife," Workman said, with his sons, ages 10 and 12, by his side - and on his side of the debate. "She doesn't believe it and doesn't want to hear about it, but we're absolutely certain.

"Yep," he said of his sons. "They both believe. I'm very proud of them."

Workman was among about 150 Judgment Day believers gathered in the basement of a Delaware County union hall for the "last Sunday" meeting of the eBible Fellowship, one of the many groups that are promoting Family Radio's message.

You might expect the place to be full of brainwashed freaks like the Heaven's Gate cult, whose members strapped on brand-new Nike sneakers and committed mass suicide in 1997 so they could board a UFO.

Or maybe you'd find them speaking in tongues or handling snakes. Because, let's face it, history has shown that Doomsday prophets are often deranged and always wrong.

Instead, the union hall was full of diverse and rational people who happen to believe in something completely irrational. They sipped coffee and munched on Dunkin' Donuts. They just want to save you.

"People are very concerned about us," said Chris McCann, 49, of Darby Borough, who runs eBible Fellowship. "They're worried we're going to drink the Kool-Aid. They're worried there's going to be a mass suicide.

"However, when the vast majority of people in the world do not take heed, and they're not listening to God, what have they done to themselves when May 21 comes?" he asked the audience. "They've killed themselves."

McCann knows that much of the world is laughing at him. But he fully expects to laugh last as he's whisked away to Heaven while the sinners face God's wrath. "The concern is not, 'What are we going to do when it doesn't happen?' " he said. "It's 'What are you going to do when it does?' "

The Janeless Show

Friday, May 20, 2011

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